My past life

My child is only 2 years old. Yet I find myself having a hard time remembering what life was like before he was born, even though it wasn't really that long ago. I vaguely remember having free time--I'm not sure what I did with all that time, though. Took it for granted, that's for sure. I remember going out......to restaurants, bars, movies, going out shopping on the spur of the moment without making sure my husband was available to stay home with our son.....or worrying about dragging the kid along with me. I also remember getting a good night's sleep.......in which I would get 8 hours straight without being awakened by calls of "mama! mama!" or crying because a pacifier has fallen to the floor. I remember sleeping in--ah, what a luxury that was. Now 7 a.m. is what I consider "sleeping in." And if, on the off chance I do have the opportunity to sleep until say, 9 or 9:30, I feel like I've wasted part of the day.

All of these things--they seem so distant. And some days I do miss those days. But not really. All of that has led to this point in my life.......me sitting here at my computer, a baby monitor on the desk from which I can hear the peacful sound of my son softly breathing as he sleeps. Sure, we don't go out much any more. And yes, I'm up most every morning by 6:30.....some mornings before 6......and yes, he still wakes me up at night--a lot. But before he was born--in that past life--I never got the hugs and kisses, I never got to hear his beautiful and contagious belly laugh, I never got to hear him say "wuv uu, mama!" (translation: I love you, mama), never had the joy of watching him grow and learn and change every day. All of that stuff I used to be able to do before he was born--all of that pales in comparison.

Life's Been Good to Me So Far...

Kinda showing my age a little with that title, but either you get it or you don't. I ran into an old friend of mine in the parking lot of a store last night. She's a sweet person, always has been. But, I realized, as I listened to her go on and on about all the tradgedies she's had in the last fifteen years, that life's been good to me... so far. I've had very few truly bad things happen. I have a family unit that is close and supportive. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. My lifestyle affords me the opportunity to stay home with my children. I've got it pretty good. Am I rolling in dough? Absolutely not. Financially, things are tight. But, they are do-able. Yep, I've got it pretty darn good. I just need to remember that sometimes when I get irritated with life. I can't complain, really. So, thanks, Life, for treatin' me right.

When did I get old?

It hit me today. I am old. Whether I like it or not, I am old. Yeah, yeah, plenty of people will tell you that 30 isn't old. There are also people who say that 40, 50 and 60 aren't old either. (If that's the case, when are you considered "old?" 70? 80? Never?)

I saw this story today: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19165433/

That's right, folks. "Baby Jessica" happened 20 years ago. 20. TWENTY. And I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being glued to my TV with my parents, watching that news coverage, hoping and praying that she would be OK. I remember crying a little when they got her out. I remember the cheesy TV movie that came later.

I think the reason this is getting me to more than other anniversaries of major media events I've witnessed during my life is that I remember this one so clearly. And I do not *feel* like I should be old enough to remember and event from 20 years ago in such detail. It just does not seem like 20 years should have lapsed between then and now. I hope the next 20 years does not go by as fast, but I have a feeling--if the past 2 years are any indication--that it will go a LOT faster.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...or is it?

Growing up, we knew everyone in our neighborhood. I had tons of friends to play with--just go outside on any given day and I could find a kid close to my age. We would play a lot of sports together or sometimes we would play massive neighborhood-wide games of Hide & Seek or Capture the Flag. It was the best. I would take off on my bike and ride around the neighborhood--I would be gone for hours and my parents never really knew where I was, but it didn't seem to matter. As long as I reappeared back home for meals, they didn't seem to mind or get worried about it.

My child will not grow up that way. Things are just different today. For one thing, the national sex offender registry has opened my eyes to the fact that there are at least 3 registered sex offender living just miles from my house--one of them lives exactly .3 miles, according to Mapquest. So for that reason alone, I would not allow him to run around unsupervised the way I used to.

The other reason is that we just don't know everyone. The house we are in now is the first house we bought. I was so excited to move in, thinking that neighbors would show up to greet us with baked goods or at least a friendly hello, the way it used to happen in the neighborhood where I grew up. No one did that. No one came to welcome us. We did eventually meet our immediate neighbors (next door and across the street), but those are the only ones we know....with the exception of one couple down the street whom we happen to bump into on walks sometimes. Maybe we should make more of an effort to introduce ourselves around to people...but the neighborhood just doesn't seem very conducive to that. We rarely see people out walking around or in their yards. And no one seems to have kids--I see the swing sets and sandboxes, but I rarely see kids using them. And there are definitely not many kids my son's age (2), as far as I can tell. There was one family with a little girl around his age down the street...but soon after we met them, there was a for-sale sign on their lawn and they were gone. Most of our neighbors are card-carrying members of the AARP.

It makes me sad that my son will not grow up the same way I did--that he will not experience those care-free days running around in the woods or biking around the neighborhood. Maybe we should have done more research and looked for a neighborhood with younger families...but our son was not even a twinkle in my eye at that point, so we didn't really think about that when we were house hunting.

I guess we'll just have to settle for scheduled play-dates and structured activities such as soccer or tee-ball. I just hope all of that is enough to make his childhood as happy as mine was.

Slow suicide

This weekend I traveled to visit my father-in-law in the hospital. He just had lung sugery to fix complications related to his emphysema. He's doing well--recovering very quickly after the surgery. Hopefully the surgery will keep his lungs from collapsing (as had happened three times in the past) and will improve his quality of life. Unfortunately, though, he will never be well again.....he'll always be on oxygen as his lungs continue to become less and less functional.

This frustrates me to no end because it was something he did to himself. My father-in-law has smoked since he was 10 years old--for 50 years of his life. And now he's paying for it. I feel certain he will not live to see my son's 10th birthday. Maybe not even his 5th birthday. He was diagnosed with emphysema five years ago--but he didn't quit smoking until this past Nov. And that has been a marvelous feat. I think his fear of lighting up with a tank of oxygen next to him had more to do with him quitting than anything else. But I don't care--as long as he can keep it up. He'll never be cured, but not smoking can definitely extend his life and make things a little better.

I don't get smoking. And I'm not trying to be preachy here--I don't have anything against smokers. Whatever floats your boat. I just don't have any grasp of how strong that addiction can be for some people. I don't really understand why people start smoking in the first place......especially knowing what we know now about how bad it is for you. I know peer pressure has a lot to do with it for some people. I never felt that. I was scared to death to smoke. The pictures of the black nasty lungs made an impression on me, I guess. Also, watching my two great-uncles die from smoking-related throat cancer was a good reality check, too. Oh yeah......and my aunt who died of lung cancer. But she wasn't the smoker--her husband was (and still is, as far as I know).

My father-in-law has lived through a lot. He ran away from home at 16, lied about his age and joined the Army and went to Vietnam. He served three tours of duty. He has four Purple Hearts for being wounded in combat. He survived being shot three times and being hit with a hand granade. A freaking hand granade. He survived all of that, but all the while, he's been killing himself slowly......with his damn cigarettes. And that makes me sad.

Looking out for #5

A funny thing happens when you have a child--suddenly, you're not the most important person in your own life any more. The kid comes first, everything else comes somewhere after that. I have found that on my own list of priorities, I rate myself pretty low and I realize there is something very wrong with that. My list is something like this:

1. son
2. husband and other family (parents, sister, etc.)
3. work
4. housework
5. me
6. the dog

Why do I rate myself below nearly everything else in importance? I am trying to bump myself up on my list--I think I'm close to letting myself surpass housework into the #4 position. I know I need to take better care of myself. I know I need to take more time for myself. But how can I find time for myself when I feel like I barely have time to do essential things like eat, sleep and shower? I am trying to carve out little bits of time for myself here and there. It doesn't take much to make me happy--20 minutes of uninterrupted time reading a book, soaking in a hot bath for 15 minutes, getting to bed 30 minutes early to get some extra shut-eye. Posting on this blog is another way I'm making time for me......it's not much, but it gives me a chance to do something different and to express myself in a new way.

I think a lot of moms are like this. But I think we should all try to take more time for ourselves and to focus more on taking better care of ourselves. Because happy mommies lead to happy babies, right? So in a way, taking care of ourselves and keeping ourselves happy is yet another way we can make life better for our families.